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|Can't Take it With You||The Salesman||The Stray Dog Tale||The Earthworm|
|The Indian||Opportunity Knocks||Dirt Biker's Lament||The Panda|
|Born to Lose|
Can't Take it With You|
|A wealthy man was very ill; he knew that death was near.|
Of all the things he had in life his money was most dear.
He’d worked and labored all his life. He loved the wealth he’d made.
He prayed so long and earnestly that an angel heard his plea,
He asked the angel, "Please, oh please ask God if just this time
"I’ll ask him," said the angel. Then he left and went away.
When he returned the angel said, "The Lord has heard your prayer.
Overjoyed, the rich man filled his largest suitcase up
Before too long he met St. Peter at the Pearly Gate.
"You can’t bring earthly things in here, through the Gates of Glory."
Peter checked it out, and said, "What you have said is true.
So he looked inside, and on his face was utter disbelief.
|Luke was a hippy, weird and wild;|
A real, true, genuine flower child.
Homer Brown had a happy life,
A men’s clothing store, two kids, and a wife.
Homer put a sign in his window one day
Homer was speechless when Luke the slob
Luke said, “Sure, Man! This I know,
Of person in his organization,
Then he remembered the suit on the rack.
He pulled it out from the clothing rack.
Said Homer with a great big smile.
Homer smiled again as he closed the door,
His clothes were in shreds from his knees to his chin,
“I can’t believe you did that, Luke.
The Stray Dog Tale|
|While walking down the street one day|
A preacher saw some boys at play.
He saw a dog somewhere in the middle
Of a group of twelve, all in a huddle.
Concerned about the dog’s welfare,
The preacher decided to stop right there
And check things out, so he stopped and said,
“What’s going on, my little lads?”
“Well, sir,” one of the boys explained,
The minister was horrified,
The boys just stood and looked at him
|Mrs. Brown had taught first grade for twenty years or more.|
She was a real good teacher; all the folks knew that for sure.
One day in her zeal to teach her students helpful things
She poured some whiskey in a glass so they could plainly see,
“See how he wiggles and moves so fast,” said Mrs. Brown, and then
She held the glass, and then she said, “Now, come and look inside.”
“Now children,” she said tenderly, “you’ve all looked at this worm.
All the students shook their heads, but Johnny raised his hand.
Mrs. Brown saw Johnny’s hand and she was very glad.
“All right, Johnny. Stand up, now, and tell them what you learned.”
|Two old cowboys, Ralph and Bill, topped a hill one day.|
Saw an Indian on the ground, not too far away.
They looked at one another, then rode that way real slow.
"I’ll bet he’s listenin’ to the ground," said Bill, "'cause it’s a fact
"If this ain’t no Injun trick," said Ralph, "come on, let’s go
They rode up real cautious, then heard some real low tones.
"White woman sit beside him; six kids in wagon too."
"Hey, Injun, how do you know that?" Said Ralph. "I’d like to know --
"White man speak with loco tongue," said the Indian with a groan.
|Old Stanley lived a pretty normal life;|
Had a dog, three children, and an ornery ex-wife.
Sometimes he was lonely, but he usually got by;
Kept his mind on his work and drank beer with the guys.
One day his neighbor, a little blonde beauty,
Dropped by his house. She was really a cutie.
She flirted with Stan, and he was never the type
To pass an opportunity as it happened by.
Romance began to blossom that day.
Opportunity led poor old Stanley astray.
But now Stan’s a-wishin’ he hadn’t been bold.
He should have known all that glitters ain’t gold,
Blondies’s big boyfriend returned from Spokane
And made his displeasure real clear to Stan.
Now Stan’s recuperatin’, wishin’ he was dead.
The door of opportunity fell on his head.
|A big old pudgy panda bear walked into McDonald's one day.|
Ordered a Big Mac, fries and a Coke, and ate it all right away.
He paid his bill at the counter, then with a great big grin
He pulled out a big water pistol and shot the cashier in the chin.
He sauntered out to the sidewalk; the cashier followed him there.
Drying his face he said, "Why'd you do that? It wasn't really fair."
"In the encyclopedia, friend, the answer can be found."
The panda said, and then he left, saying, "Well, I'll see ya around."
The cashier looked it up that night. What he saw he couldn't believe.
The encyclopedia said, "Panda -- eats shoots and leaves."
Dirt Biker's Lament|
|A hotshot rider, that's what I are.|
Ya better watch out, 'cause I'm goin' far.
I've been around, that's where I've been
And I'm hittin' the enduro trail again.
Just keep your eyeballs glued on me
And you'll see a winner, that's what you'll see.
Here we are on the line today.
Look out, now, stay out of the way.
My cycle's fast, and it's name is Power.
It'll eat that ground up, by the hour.
Step aside, or you might get hurt
'Cause this big motor's pawing the dirt.
There's a big guy up ahead of me
Ridin' a step-through Honda 90 (tee-hee)!
I'll pass him, just watch my style.
He'll eat my dirt before he's gone five miles.
Off the line and through the trees
Slipping down those trails with ease.
Passing riders left and right
Hit a stump — that wasn't too bright.
Through the checkpoint. Close enough.
I'll zero the next one, watch my stuff.
Fifteen miles the marker said.
Two more hours, I'll be home in bed.
Where's that step-through Honda gone?
Lost the trail, that's what he's done.
No, there he is, in front of me.
I can't believe what my eyes see.
Down the trail, giving it gas
Well I'll be darned, this guy's real fast.
Hey, there's a big wide straight-of-way.
I'll teach this guy about power today.
Around the bend and heading upwards.
Pass a guy who fell over backwards.
Sure would like to lend a hand
But being late I couldn't stand.
Man, this hill's a real lulu.
That guy on the Honda no can do.
This here hill ain't made for porkers.
The ones who'll make it are super-torquers.
Up and up and up some more.
This thing will top out soon, for sure.
Hey, there's the checkpoint, whaddaya know.
Just like I said, a big zero.
Boogiein' on and havin' fun.
This ain't no race. It's a turkey run.
A log in the trail, but I can't stop.
I'll just wheelie right over the top.
Ouch! What went wrong? And where am I?
Just through the stars, I can see the sky.
Take a count of fingers and toes.
Yeah, they're all here, well, that's how it goes.
Gotta get up and go again.
The guy on the Honda says, "Hey, man!
These logs are tricky now, aren't they?"
Then he rides right over and goes on his way.
That guy's beginning to give me a pain.
Who does he look like? Oh, yes, John Wayne.
Finishing up, not quite so fast.
This darn headache ain't no blast.
I'll do all right though, wait and see.
No little old crash is gonna stop me.
The third check, then the fourth — not bad.
If I could lose this headache I'd be glad.
Back to camp and count up points.
I think my neck's popped out of joint.
There's old "Step-Through" standing tall.
I hear he won first overall.
Born to Lose|
|Freasier here, and rarin’ to go.|
This 400 Yamaha’s flyin’ low.
Number 41 is next on the line;
Gotta make that first checkpoint on time!
The guy with the timepiece drops his hand
And I let out the clutch. Hey, what’s this, man?
Kill the thing, let out a curse,
What made the darn thing run in reverse?
Well, let’s get going, no time to waste.
Gotta get off that line with haste.
Up the hill, around the curve.
That squirrel on the Honda’s got his nerve!
Move over, man, take a dive!
Whaddaya think this is, a Sunday drive?
Must get around, above, beneath,
Leave that guy picking rocks from his teeth.
A few regrets as I hit the clover.
Nah, serves him right. He shouldda moved over.
Easy now, you’re hitting the rough.
What kind of nut laid out this stuff?
A sharp left curve, then a straight uphill.
If anything will make it, this Yamaha will.
A great big wheelie over the top
Astonish the crowd, but no time to stop.
Sure would have liked to take a bow,
But the time to make up time is now.
Gas it, man, or you’re gonna be late.
The trail’s too narrow, it must be fate.
This guy in front rides like a beginner.
With any luck, I’ll get by before dinner.
Ah, there’s a straight, why, this is a breeze.
Careful, now, don’t let that engine seize.
Take a left, then under a tree
There’s the checkpoint, plain to see.
Where’s that flipcard? I’m in dutch.
One minute early. This is too much.
Going again, watch that speed.
Right on time, that’s what I need.
Watch it now, and keep the pace.
With any luck, You’ll get first place.
Here we go, man I ain’t lyin’
This old Yamaha’s really flyin’!
This is heaven, there ain’t no doubt.
The speedo now reads 30 miles out.
What was that? Do my nerves grate?
Or did I hear that engine hesitate?
It just can’t be, it can’t be so,
Come on, Yamaha, come on, let’s go!
Get out the tools, where’s that plug?
Throw it quickly into that jug.
Kick, man kick! — Come on, start!
Come on, Yamaha, let’s depart!
Hurry up now, that’s my desire.
Maybe the thing ain’t gettin’ any fire.
No, there’s the spark, as plain as can be,
What to do next? Oh, woe is me.
Think, now, think. It won’t help to pout.
Not out of gas? No, man! That’s out!
Check the tank, I think I’ll cry.
There’s that guy on the Honda, waving “bye-bye”
Watching the crowd while my hopes sank,
Just 32 miles to a dadburned tank.